just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
