On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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