so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
