Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
