i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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