I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
