Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
