like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
