It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You left your phone here
Wait...
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