why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
