If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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