But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
