How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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