peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
