One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
