Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
