If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
