why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
