You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
