Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
