You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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