I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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