3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
