Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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