I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
