i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
