Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
