genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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