theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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