I wanna bring you to show and tell
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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