so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
