if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
