I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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