at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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