I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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