I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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