finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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