I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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