Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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