so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
