just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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