ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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