Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
