we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
