You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
