I can text with my tongue
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
