YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
