Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How does it feel to date your dad?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
