I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
