4 words: hood of his car
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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